Like most people I have a story or two about lost love. (Ha Ha, lost love? As if that were possible. More like misplaced love. More on that another time)
A little while ago I broke up with my partner of 6 years and naturally have been in and out of my thinking about it. I asked myself all the usual questions. What did I do wrong? What did she do wrong? The whole gamut of who, what, where, when, how and why seemed to be fair game. Bloody exhausting. But dammit I was going to figure it all out. I had blame to accept and blame to ascribe.
Now to be clear I understand how the human relationship with thought works. But, like everyone, sometimes confuse what’s real with what looks “Real.” Translation, I was human and couldn’t see shit but I sure could keep myself feeling crappy.
Laying in the bed we used to share my first and last thoughts of the day were invariably of my ex. Like clockwork I fell asleep and woke struggling with the demons of lost “love.”
So much energy put into a situation that no longer existed, so much stress and anxiety. I used to fight against it. It was something I had to get over, something I could control. I could just tell myself it wasn’t real, after all, it was “just my thinking.” I had to stop thinking of her, what was wrong that I was spending so much thought on this? “Come on man, it’s over, get on with it, you know better than this. Yea well, for many months, I didn’t.
Fast forward and I am once again in bed wrapped in thoughts of her. Well, if I didn’t manage to make myself feel physically ill thinking of her and her new partner. Laughably, the partner I don’t know she has. Anyway, not only did I think her into a relationship I thought myself sick over it. The level of detail/reality that the combination of thought and consciousness can create is truly awe inspiring. I mean I could see everything, them laughing together, living together , making love together. Holy crap, this sucks!
As my thinking hit its crescendo (the moment I almost lost my shit) I suddenly remembered that feeling is the barometer of the quality of ones thinking. Holy shit, it was all me. I had created a reality so perfect I was making myself physically sick. As soon as I remembered this I literally laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all, had a great sleep and have had nothing but kind and loving thoughts of her ever since.
The system that informs us is perfect what we believe it is telling us, well that’s part of the fun. If we can remember to see thought and feeling for what they are even the worst of times are opportunities to know with more clarity and love.